Asking favours

The difference often between the haves and have nots is the habit of asking favours. Often times in Indian culture, we’re chronically hesitant to ask. This is reinforced by negative feedback from a young age. Genuine demands for food or games being rejected by parents, or a request to go to the washroom or change classroom seats being rejected by teachers, instils in us the futility of asking at all. We grow up on the backfoot, attempting to manage stuff on our own than asking for help. Self-sufficiency often masquerades an inhibition within. Ego, shame, inferiority complex or a sick hesitation about what the other person might think creates a glass curtain between us and our benefactor. We miss opportunities, facilities and avenues we actually deserve or sometimes even beyond that. This not only affects you but the prospects of your family and friends who are connected to you. Technology and digital mobile solutions create an easier world to avail services without middlemen, authority or connections, which is actually very good. It has bypassed corruption, latency and favouritism like no time before. But its still evolving, and until then favouritism shall continue as an necessary evil. We still have differential opportunities to services with skewed prices, accessibility and awareness. Most people are not aware of their land rights or business subsidies of the government. Those aware don’t have access because the procedures are semi-opaque. Those having access get discouraged by the prohibitive prices without understanding that there’s a cheaper or free way that few know. All these still require you to go out and approach resourceful folks, make and maintain connections, call them up at odd times, courteously ask for seemingly odd favours, be ready to accept rejections politely and repeat the iteration over and over with the same enthusiasm. It ain’t tough, just a little uncharacteristic of many, given their social conditioning.

Just think of it: in order to ask for favours, you need clarity at so many levels. First, you need to be clear of your goals. So many don’t know what they want and hence don’t get what they need. Then you need to articulate your demands clearly. This requires communication and interpersonal skills at a whole different level. Its like an art you can continuously improve throughout your life without a defined perfection. The whole investment market revolves around this skill. After articulation, you must have that tiring knack of follow-up. This is where most people give up because its so repetitive and slogging and you start feeling there’s so much more in life to invest your energy and time in. Its not the fear of failure, but the gruesome process of reprising the inconvenient nudge which dissuades many. A lot depends on personal outlook. If you think the process is overwhelming, it’ll zap your excitement. If you fail to prioritise among your many pursuits, you’ll have this jackass feel of wasting your time and energy. Sometimes you’re just too lazy by design: wanting good things to happen to you while being a passive recipient.

Favours don’t happen on a bijective basis. It’s a chain of people which orchestrate an outcome. For example, if a friend Harry asks you to help him book a hotel ticket and you’re not a hotelier yourself, you’ll have to ask a non-overlapping friend for help. He in turn will have his own chain of people to get the job done. Now you might wonder why did Harry ask you for help when he could easily book it online on his own. That’s because of the differential opportunities that exist in a prismatic society I talked about earlier. Maybe you’re well-connected, maybe you’re a bureaucrat or minister, and can arrange a ticket at low or no cost. Maybe you can arrange a guest house where the common man is disallowed. The presence of privileges in different walks of life stimulates someone like Harry to approach you. This includes the privilege to knowledge. There’s still so much information that’s undocumented and relies on word of mouth, whether its job openings, government quotations, or the set of right contacts in an organisation, which is best known through personal conversations. Google Maps, Amazon Reviews and Social media updates have been a great equaliser, but much work remains. Until then, you need to stay connected.

Staying in touch with friends and extended family is a habit you must actively cultivate. Try staying indoor for a year and you’ll know what I mean. The Covid-induced lockdowns taught us that anyway. Even a tiger loses its instincts in a zoo.

Contrary to what our derailed instincts might lead us to believe, when you take help from someone, you buttress connection with that person at a deeper level, opening a channel of reciprocating the gift through further interactions. A common inhibition arises because of the following. You need favours from your immediate, temporary contacts, like your teacher, boss, driver, etc. on a regular basis. If they turn out to be rude and cynical, you might be discouraged from even asking for occasional help from other contacts. Another common inhibition is a feeling of asking beyond one’s stature, which stems from an inferiority complex or a thought that you may not be able to immediately return the favour: “What would he think if I ask him to arrange a premium SUV for my private tour? Let me instead book a cab online.” Firstly, such a stature is self-perceived, the other person might have a better opinion of you (like Mufasa in Milele). Secondly, nobody was born tall. It takes exceeding one’s limits to increase one’s limits. Hunger must precede a meal which leads to growth. Without any needs, you can stay stunted, living isolated from most of the other world, perhaps just greeting them at new year or diwali over social media. But this world has become highly transactional and such greetings lose steam in some time unless backed with gave-and-take relationships.

Disclaimer: I am strongly opposed to privileges,favours and transactional relationships. But we live in an imperfect world, where it helps to be realistic even while you strive towards idealism.